when we were not yet, 2020
an attempt to externalize the overwhelming dysphoria
When we were not yet
in our teen years,
we snuck into our parents’ bathroom.
In the back corner,
across from the toilet,
was our mother’s medicinal cabinet.
We opened the floor length, pale wood door and saw the shelves overflowing
with various salves and bottles of strange smelling substances.
At the very bottom, in the deepest corner:
a first aid kit.
Cautiously, we unzipped the red, rectangular fabric
and confiscated the item which we had been searching for.
We stuffed it under our shirt, and replaced the kit
exactly as we had found it.
It was not far (the walk back to our room)
yet the number of heartbeats between each step seemed to increase exponentially.
Once the door,
clicked shut —
and the lock in the middle of the round metal knob turned to the vertical position,
we placed what we had taken onto the dresser top.
On the dark wooden surface,
cluttered with collected artifacts,
a space had been cleared for this particular item:
an ace bandage.
We stared —
at the neatly rolled-up material
as the adrenaline in our bloodstream began to stabilized
once more.
Glancing back
- one more time -
at the lock on the door,
we removed the shirt which had hidden the bandage from view
and stepped in front of the mirror.
Taking the loose end of the wrap, we placed it
in the space between the arm and the ribcage;
then stretched —————— the material across
to the opposite side of our body.
The end pulled free, leaping
into the air before
—snapping—
back against bare skin.
We tried again,
this time making sure
to hold the end in place with one hand until it was firmly secured under itself
as it continued
around and around
— and around
The pressure of the wrapping
pushed in on all sides
as we pinned the last length of bandage
into place.
The image that stared back was not _______;
it only constricted the pre-imposed binding
of the grim reality we were trying to evade.
The bandage, made for wrapping injured ankles,
had fared poorly in this new task
which we had naively asked of it.
The fabric gathered awkwardly,
accentuating
the fatty flesh underneath:
every bulge,
pucker,
and crease.
The nausea rising up into our throat
froze — hardening into a cold lump
which fell heavily
back — into the depths of our stomach
at the sound
of the knock
on the door.